It's been too long since I have last been on my blog. Why, you ask Well, I have gone through waht you would call a "rough patch". After almost a year of being in and out of hospitals, going through numerous surgical procedures, shedding many tears, saying countless prayers and enduring sleepless nights, my Dad passed away. It was one of the most profound and sad experiences of my life. My Dad was surrounded by the people who were meant to be there. My Mom was on his right side, holding his hand and I was on his left side holding his other hand. My brother T was there, as well, at the foot of the bed. My Aunt Lo was also in the room. She has devoted much of the past year to being there for my Dad and taking care of all of our needs. I have a couple other Aunt's who have also stepped up and have spent so much of their time with my father, but this experience has changed her the most and it will have an impact on the rest of her life. I was able to tell my Dad good-bye and let him know that it was OK to let go....and that he was not alone. We wouldn't let that happen. I assured him we would be right by him as he took his last journey. I will always have the honor of saying that I was there when my Dad took his last breath and I never left his side, but the night that he passed away is something that haunts me. I don't think any of us picture being w a loved one as the spark, the life, behind their eyes leaves and is gone forever. Watching my hero's appearance change almost immediately after his passing and feeling his warm hands grow cold is not anything I would think I would be a part of. But, I knew I was meant to be there. I knew that my Dad wanted it that way, my Mom needed me there, as well as my brothers, my daughters, my Aunts, Uncle, Grandma and cousins. I am having a hard time accepting he is still gone and with the holidays around the corner, I really don't know how I will get through them. But, one thing I can say is that I endured and SURVIVED the worst year of my life and now I do not have that constant worry and stress about my Dad. At least now I know he is no longer suffering and sad and he is at peace. My life seems to be heading back to where it used to be and I have allowed myself to have many happy moments since he has left. Those moments are happening more often and I am not as guilty about that as I was before. I have a long way to go, but I do see that light at the end of the tunnel. He would not want me unhappy. I don't want to go on about everything else, but he is always around. Everywhere I go there is a reminder of my Dad. Sometimes I welcome those reminders and other times I wish those reminders would not be there. But, I know this will take time to recover from and I have to learn to live my life without him in it. If you are reading this blog and believe in God, please say a prayer for my family and me...that we may get stronger everyday and live our lives the way my Dad would want us to live.
One more thing:
I got so used to sitting w my Dad at the hospital, that I feel lost sometimes that I no longer have those moments. I make it a habit to visit my Dad at the cemetary at least once a week. I read to him while I am there. It makes me feel close to him again and helps me feel like he is still physically with me. Last Christmas, he wanted a Nelson Mandela's autobiography, which I got for him. The last time he was at the hospital, I brought the book in, hoping I would read to him to stimulate his brain. He had not had the chance to start it before his brain surgery in July, which left him unable to read on his own. The book is pretty big, but I started to read it for him. Well, I am determined to finish it, so I will read a few chapters everytime I visit. I will finish that book. I believe he hears me and relishes in those moments we have with just each other.
He doesn't have his headstone in, yet. I hate that. I cannot wait until it comes in. It bothers me everytime I drive up to his plot and just see the patch of dirt. I bought him some fall flowers that I sat at his gravesite that last time I visited him.
A few weeks ago, my Mom and the girls took at trip to Utica, IL. Starved Rock State Park is located in Utica and every Columbus Day weekend there is a festival that Utica has called The Burgoo. The Burgoo is some God-awful stew that they make, but the reason why I go is for the ginormous craft fair they have. The whole town is nothing but one big flea market. I found this vintage Vogue cover from 1911 and a gold, turqouise and beige pot. I need to get a table for my entryway, so in the meantime I have an old chest there. I dressed up the entryway with my Burgoo finds. I also covered a white pumpkin with black lace. It has a Victorian look to it.
I apologize. I am working on a different computer and cannot figure out how to turn the picture clockwise. I am embarrassed by this, but this will have to do.
Finally, I just want to say that, although I hate the cold winter months, I do enjoy living in an area where I can experience all the seasons. This past Autumn has been one of the most beautiful we have had in years. I love the myriad of fall shades the trees take on as the leaves start to turn, right before they start to fall off their braches. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by this beauty.
I was going to add the other items that put a smile on my face, but I just realized I do not have my jump drive w me that has those pics. Bummer! Next time....
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